Why You Should Never Overcompensate for Your Child's Deadbeat Dad
Do you ever feel like you need to overcompensate for your child's deadbeat dad? Do you ever feel like no matter how much of your all you give, it's simply not enough? Time-and-time again you wonder if you're doing the right thing by your child.
If you've answered yes, then you are definitely beating yourself up way too much. For us single moms, this is a never-ending internal battle we have with ourselves. Our responsibly to make sure our children feel loved, even in the midst of our own sorrow.
Most single moms struggle with overcompensating. In other words, giving more than 100% percent of yourself as the result of your child having a deadbeat father. The over-extension of oneself so that our children never have to want for anything, despite the downside of our situation.
Yes, it is okay to spoil our children from time-to-time, especially in light of any success. But to overextend yourself because of a deadbeat dad is a huge no-no. Here are seven reasons why you should never overcompensate because of a deadbeat dad.
It's Not You're Fault
For some reason, from whatever warped up logic. Society likes to point the blame towards single mothers for the lack of a father from a child's life. As if you woke up one day and just whole hardheartedly decided to be a single mom (unless for safety concerns of course). It's seriously messed up to make any more feel at fault for her child's deadbeat father.
Saying things like, "Well if she would have waited for a ring and a marriage license, her child would have a father". Or saying, "If she would've kept her legs closed or got an abortion, then she wouldn't have to worry about the deadbeat. She knew what she was getting into when she had that baby." It's crazy how all these assholes seem to have all the answers without knowing all the facts.
As a matter of fact, as someone who has been in your shoes, I here to tell you that it is NOT your fault your child's father is M.I.A. That only shows his character as a man and a father. You're going to blame yourself and secretly apologize to your kids for giving them a shitty dad from time-to-time when the milestones pass. There's nothing you could have done that would've made him stay. If a man does not want to be a parent, then he won't. and that is not on you.
You are Only Human
It is not okay to constantly continue to give 100% of yourself one hundred percent of the time. It just not attainable as a single mom, unless you can afford nannies (send one my way if you do and I want the family/friend discount). Your children will learn to always expect that from you and when you do anything less than they'll think something is wrong.
Well, they're right. Something is very wrong. Yes, there is one less human to share the load with, but again not your fault. Remember you are only human and you need to take care of yourself. Self-care for single moms is so important. You don't feel exhausted every day from overexertion.
Your Funds are Limited
Now if you have some super glorious career than this portion is not for you. Keep scrolling, please. If you are living on limited funds or paycheck-to-paycheck then yes this is for you babe. As mothers, it's only natural to want to give our children the world and then some. Unfortunately, that cannot be always.
As our kids get older they want to participate in this sport, do that activity, go shopping with friends, and etc. Those are reasonable asks, but if you find yourself saying yes too much, that's not good. When your money is tight, it is okay to say no. Disappointment sucks, but if your kids are old enough they can work for the things they want too.
Yes, you are the parent so you feel that the responsibilities of anything financial should rest on your shoulders. Okay true enough, BUT there is nothing wrong with your child building a work ethic. For one, they won't feel entitled and two, they will learn basic life skills before leaving your home for the real world.
It's Just Not Healthy
Okay so he's a shitty dad, that is not on you. For you to constantly place the blame on yourself is not healthy. The more you despair and feed the negative bits of the situation only paves the way for depression.
Focus your efforts in a more positive way. If you are finding this difficult, it is okay to speak to a psychologist about these feelings and the why behind them.
You Show Up
Whether you know it or not, you are everything to your children. You are the one person they are sure of, especially when the shit hits the fan. They know mommy will scare those monsters that go bump in the night and try to help with homework. The fact that despite the hurt, struggle, and frustration you continue to show up and that is what counts.
Given the points, overcompensating is a huge no-no. Keep in mind that it is not your fault he is absent and there is nothing more you could have done. You show up every day. Furthermore, don't let the people around you and internet trolls get in your head and make you feel like shit.
All things considered, you are already doing a superb job at this whole parenting thing. That feeling that you get when you feel like you're not doing enough will never go away. In truth, that just shows what a great mother you are because you care.